War Protester

Type:     Passive
Health:     15
Speed:     50%

The War Protester is Team Fortress 2’s class that tries to send a good message to the kiddies by not advocating war. His weapons include a picket sign, a megaphone, and an unsteady but emotional grasp on the topic he is protesting. His main strength is employed on control point maps in which he can inhibit attackers from getting to the control point until he dies. Until then, he forms a one man picket wall and yells about how violence and imperialism are not the answer while using one or two examples out of context.

Biography:
A heavy drinker and community college drop out, the War Protester has taken enough Political Science courses to know too much about his rights and maybe one thing about global politics.

Halo 3: ODST is an expansion to Halo 3 that is based on a sub-plot of the events of Halo 2 and Halo 3. The game comes out tomorrow with Halo: Reach to follow one year later in the Fall of 2010. 2011 will bring the seventh game in the Halo series, known as Halo: Around, and finally, in 2012, the release of the eighth Halo game will coincide with the apocalypse as predicted by the Mayans and Nostradamus.

After his 15 minutes of fame from acquiring a Piece of Eden by killing Al Mualim, Altaïr found it hard to make some cash. “Unable to actually use the Piece of Eden on my own, and with all of the Knights of the Templar dead, my assassin brother and I didn’t really have any work. Al Mualim was our leader so we didn’t know what to do after that. Things got hard,”  said Altaïr. Unable to feed himself from a dishonest day’s work, Altaïr started to rely on theft more than before to nourish himself day-to-day. “I eventually got caught got and couldn’t fight my way out of it. This one vendor had been suspicious of me stealing from him all month and finally caught me by having about 15 guards attack me and hold me down. I ran out of luck and I’m set to have a trial on the 27th of this month.”

In Batman’s most recent campaign against crime, he takes the fight to the villains and gets his hands dirty in Arkham Asylum. Due to the fact that the Joker trapped Batman in Arkham Asylum against his will and by surprise, no one is back at Wayne Manor to babysit pants-less Robin (Alfred went on vacation apparently). Since then, there have been those who have made attempts on the boy wonder’s life. Reports say that Robin defended himself from these henchmen by hiding in Wayne Manor and setting traps in various locations for the thugs. Traps included hot door handles, buckets of paint, and tar and feathers. The latest reports say that Robin is managing against these threats and will be on his own until the police figure out what to do about that whole bomb threat situation with the Joker.

Not all schools are fortunate enough to have luxurious things like books, paper, and pens for students. Evergreen Middle School is among these schools, especially after the recession hit and their government funding was lowered. The students needed to learn though, so one resourceful seventh grade science teacher, Rich Robinson, turned to the power of computers to teach his children. He installed his copy of Spore on his work computer and hooked it up to the television to show the students. “The kids loved going through the levels and battling others online. We ran into a few issues with sporn that led to disciplinary action but once we got the ground rules taken care of, it went pretty well. I feel the kids really learned how evolution works in a fun way,” said Rich Robinson.

On a darker note, none of the children in Rich Robinson’s class managed to pass the science section of the statewide standardized test. When asked when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, many of the children put “the Creature Stage.”

EA has announced that the FIFA series of soccer video games will be canceled and FIFA 2010 will not be released due to financial pressures caused by the global recession. One spokesman went on record saying, “We are all in hard times together and EA Sports cannot afford to make any mistakes that could result in a financial loss. Seriously, who plays soccer anymore anyway? Be sure to pick up Madden 2010 though!”

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 will feature a new online gaming mode called Douche Hunt, where the loudest players become the targets to eliminate. Players are given a douche rank by how loud and annoying they are. This rating stays with players and only goes down over a long period of time, even if a player stops using their headset. Also, there is currently a petition going around that supports adding this feature to Halo 3.

Due to the high demand of airplanes in Battlefield 1943, a young entrepreneur by the name of Harris Worthington has started an in-game plane rental service to allow players to reserve planes for a small fee. Mr. Worthington and his workers basically grab every single plane from a match and sell them to customers for $0.50. Once customers are done with the planes, they die, or can return the plane to one of Mr. Worthington’s workers to recycle it and to get up to $0.15 back on their rental plane. So far, Mr. Worthington has made over $5,300 dollars off his little scheme, and you thought we were in a recession.

Chris Black, an alias to preserve anonymity, has been in a very dark place. As a WOWcoholic, he finds it hard to function in everyday life as a normal person and alienates his friends and family. It’s a big problem and Chris has begun to get the help he needs. Let’s start at the beginning though.

For Chris, like most WOWcoholics, the Best Buy gaming section was his gateway entry. It all started one day when he went in for a simple flash drive and picked up a demo of World of Warcraft out of curiosity. Chris said, “I mean it was only three dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could just stop playing anytime I wanted.” After many nights passed, and many showers were missed, Chris was fully hooked.

He began peeing in bottles instead of taking a break to use the bathroom. He complained and vented on the forums when the servers were down for maintenance, even though it happens every week at the same time. He had all the signs of a WOWcoholic.

When Chris told his big brother James that he wanted to be a WOW gold farmer in China when he grew up, Chris’ family knew it was time to confront the problem head on.

His parents intervened directly and canceled his Warcraft account. The events that followed were typical of a serious MMO withdrawal, much like what is seen below. We warn you that this example footage is graphic.

Once the initial shock of going cold turkey wore off and Chris came to his senses, he began to scheme. Getting desperate for the rush of a raid, Chris resorted to less than admirable solutions.

“I got into drugs to make money to scrap together money for a laptop and an account to hide from my parents. I once blacked out from drinking with a shady client trying to seal a deal and woke up naked in an alley covered in cocaine and blood. When I logged back on, my character had increased two levels but was missing half his items as well. The moment that really cleared the smoke for me though, was when I realized I had contracted oral herpes from another male player after doing him favors in person in order to get 50 gold to buy an item I wanted. I realize I have a problem and I have started the steps that I need to take to be free from my addiction.”

Best of luck Chris, best of luck.

These days the acronym MMO is familiar to most gamers, especially our PC friends.  However, it is impossible to mention MMOs without paying homage to the first Everquest.  With its release, players were allowed to perform a seemingly unlimited number of quests in what appeared to be an infinite realm.  Well apparently it wasn’t enough.  Sony Online Entertainment and Verant Interactive have found a way to give an entirely new experience to the players.  And what, might you ask, could you possibly incorporate into a game that does not end?  How about expansion packs taken intravenously.  That’s right, instead of the traditional expansion disc, expansion packs will come neatly packaged in sterile syringes to be injected directly into the bloodstream. These expansion packs allow players to play Everquest 2 constanly tweeked and on the edge so they can feel just like their in game players. This announcement gives whole new meaning to the infamous nickname of the game: “Ever-crack”.  You can expect to pick these expansions up in retail stores, as well as unique variants available in a dark ally near you, starting fall 2009.